Surf, Skin and Jersey. What’s Not to Love?
By NEIL GENZLINGER
In the United States even the most unrepentant, obviously guilty serial killer or multimillion-dollar defrauder is entitled to a defense. It is in that spirit that this writer, an actual resident of New Jersey, steps forward to defend “Jersey Shore,” which seems likely to be the consensus choice for most appalling show of 2009.
The series, which arrived a month ago on MTV, seemed on paper as if it would be just another make-strangers-share-a-house reality show: eight young people of dubious intelligence and accomplishment were thrown together in a lavishly appointed residence in Seaside Heights, about an 80-mile drive from Manhattan, for a hormonally charged, alcohol-fueled summer.
But these insufferable eight were billed as Italian-Americans (though who really knows?), and their display of debauchery and self-absorption was so over the top that it quickly drew complaints of ethnic stereotyping. The cast’s numbingly frequent use of a term for Italian-Americans that many consider offensive hasn’t helped. Just before Christmas the New Jersey Italian American Legislative Caucus called for the show’s cancellation.
But surely “Jersey Shore,” which is broadcast on Thursday nights, must have some redeeming value, mustn’t it? Yes, it must. Herewith, five reasons to like “Jersey Shore”:
1. THE ACTUAL JERSEY SHORE HASN’T BEEN THIS INTERESTING IN YEARS. Sorry to be blunt, but no one has found summer on the New Jersey coast exciting since the shark attacks of 1916.
On the boardwalks you can buy fried dough and fried Oreos, as well as taffy that will undo any dental work you’ve had done in the last 40 years. You can buy overpriced tickets for amusement park rides so timid they’d be laughed out of the kiddie area of a Six Flags. And that’s about it.
You can also venture onto the actual beach, though you might not want to after reading the reports from Clean Ocean Action’s annual New Jersey beach cleanups, in which volunteers collect and catalog trash. Figures from 2008 included 17,957 straws and stirrers, 3,319 tampon applicators, 656 condoms and 165 syringes.
Not that Seaside Heights doesn’t try to do something about the litter problem: the summer before the “Jersey Shore” eight showed up, one of the high points, as trumpeted in a YouTube video by the town’s public relations department, was the purchase of a new beach-cleaning machine, a lime-green Barber Surf Rake. The news has not exactly set the world on fire: in the almost two years since its posting, the video has had only about 650 views. MTV’s “Jersey Shore” YouTube promo, in contrast, has had more than 733,000.
So though Seaside Heights has issued a statement distancing itself from the show, and a state tourism official has expressed concern, everyone involved knows there’s no such thing as bad publicity. Will there be billboards on the highways next summer reading, “If you’re coming here because of ‘Jersey Shore,’ please turn around and take your tourist dollars to some other state”? No, there won’t.
2. MAYBE ‘JERSEY SHORE’ WILL FINALLY KILL OFF THE KARDASHIANS. Anyone truly interested in identifying the most irritating reality show of 2009 need look no further than “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” on E!, now inexplicably in its fourth season.
Maybe people are still watching this show, about a vapid family that has done nothing to earn its fame, because they have been numbed into a sort of trance that creates the illusion of being entertained. “Jersey Shore” should slap them out of that; its brash, bawdy inhabitants make the indolent, overprivileged Kardashians look as exciting as an old “Father Knows Best” episode.
3. YOUNG PEOPLE NEED BAD EXAMPLES. Too many children today are reaching their teenage years armed only with a Disney definition of “bad person”: it’s someone who talks cattily about your wardrobe behind your back, maybe copies a few answers off your math quiz.
They have no idea how much ignorance, narcissism, predatory sexism and hair-gel abuse lurk out there in the real world. Unless they watch “Jersey Shore.” From that perspective the show is a sort of public service.
4. THE ENABLERS CAN NOW BE UNMASKED. Vileness and incompetence love the darkness; the light of day exposes them for what they are. Putting the spotlight on the “Jersey Shore” eight gives us the opportunity to root out all the influences that formed them.
The schools, if any, where they were educated can now be located and shut down. The teachers who so abysmally failed to impart to them the rudiments of civilized life can be fired. The gyms and style salons that seduced them with the lie that physical appearance is more important than personality can be picketed and boycotted. With vigilance we can ensure that no more of our young people turn out the way these ones did.
5. UM, LET’S SEE, THERE’S,
well ... All right, so maybe “five reasons to like ‘Jersey Shore’ ” was setting the bar too high. In truth it was hard enough coming up with four. And anyway “Jersey Shore” is already on the verge of becoming old news: MTV has a casting call up for “people who appear to be between the ages of 18-25” and have had bad experiences as a result of “sexting” nude pictures of themselves on their cellphones. Something to look forward to in 2010.
Great stuff to start the week with!
Keep writing,
Maureen
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